My Own All Too Well Moment (A letter)

To old me,

How have you been little one? It's been a while since I last I checked up on you. A lot happened. I know. It's okay. 

Don't bottle it up because it sucks. The feeling sucks, the feeling is shitty. Believe me it's better to cry it all out than not crying at all. 

It's been a while huh? It's okay. I know.

That heavy feeling in your chest will relieve. That zoning out moments will pass and that numb feeling will fade. I know. It's okay.

We have our own story that I think you need to get through your head for you to understand. You will understand. It's okay. I know/

Remember the time when you first brought him home? The nerves he felt and yet you weren't even fazed? You weren't scared, you felt warm and light. You got to bring him home now. And ever since then it had become normal, to a point where he left pieces of him in your home. Your home.

Ever since then, each picture you took was pinned up in your wall. All the whispers were remembered. All the little gifts, small notes, letters, petals and plastic were kept in a box that you had shoved at the back of your closet for months until you had the guts to take them out finally.

Then there we were again, all the fast food chain dates, side street moments, ride homes and just sitting on the couch or eating at the kitchen or falling asleep. All mundane things to do and yet as the years passed by, it got boring. But apparently not boring enough for him to let us go.

I remember the day where he promised us the future. A house far away, our jobs accepted perfectly by society; an educator and a man of law. A future he had all planned out, from the tiniest part until the biggest parts of it. Everything that he planned was everything you didn't wanted. And yet you didn't had the heart to tell him.

And at that moment, you knew it was gone. The moment, the feeling and yet you begged him to stay. You apologized and stayed. You cried and you stayed. You changed and you stayed. You were different now and you stayed. 

Why? Because of  the memories? The smiles and laughter. The simplicity of the relationship and love. The life or death choice. 

All of that and yet it wasn't the same. We got so lost in trying to be there and better for him. You never asked too much, it wasn't perfect but he felt like it was. Too perfect to let you go despite the ache and pain. Maybe because you begged him to stay, every time you did.

And remember all those times you had the courage to end it? And then before you knew it, he was right back there. Asking you to stay, begging like how you did. And because of your good heart, you didn't say no. You let him come back every time. The life or death situation coming back. The ball and chain back on your ankle. The heavy feeling of regret of begging the first time haunts you until today. I know.

And before you knew it, it become nothing. Emotionless, just floating, just existing. No more of our old self, gone in the abyss of our selflessness. Nothing but a hallow shell of what you once were.

That was until it clicked. The never ending routine of arguments and reasoning. All the same fights and sobbing. All the same life or death situation. You woke up and you cut the wire. 

You were free. Out of a cage of  his caging words and selfish decisions. People called it selfish but it was rewarding and freeing. It was enough to make you feel again. The hallow you was filled with so much more. The biggest chain of your life was broken, the anchor disconnected from your ankle and was falling into the abyss.

It felt light and your head dizzy. All the things you missed when you were in a cell was presented right in front of you. The wind in your hair, feeling in your fingertips and the smile etched on your face. 

It's been a while. It was worth it.

Although you remember it clearly, perfectly. The good moments blurred of the torture and pain was enough to move forward. And every time someone asked, you only answer, him. 

Him that brought our sister food, him that joined at Christmas with our family, him that surprised you for your birthday, him that danced with you in front of our family, him that told you to stay away from friends, him that told you to stop writing because he was demanding of time, him that was jealous of our cousins, him that planned your life out. Him.

You remember it all too well, but after a few days I promise you my younger self, you won't get to remember the more important moments and as the day passes by you'll forget all of it. 

Until the only thing you'll remember is the feeling when you let go and he wasn't there anymore.

You,

Almost two years later.

(Highly inspire by "All Too Well" (10 Min. Version) by Taylor Swift)